On Turning 70

Older, Wiser, Fiercer: 1/30/2018

Over the years, I’ve come to embrace aging as a gift and privilege: the growing freedom, the welcomed lessening of ego, the early signs of wisdom.  Then turning 70 snuck up on me.

Things began simply enough, making plans to celebrate my milestone birthday. But it got complicated.  First, a good friend who’d thought she could be with me on the big day had to cancel. Shortly thereafter, I found myself unable to stop myself from dropping hints about gift ideas to my husband and family. Then, I laid plans to do a commemorative issue of my Digest, departing from featuring others’ work to celebrate my own history of 30 books.  And finally I called several friends to talk about things that out of the blue had started bothering me. Troublesome decisions my adult children might make (but haven’t); colds that could turn into pneumonia (but hadn’t) and more.

This isn’t the first birthday I’ve found challenging.  But turning 70 feels qualitatively different.  Even my older friends have stopped laughing at me when I expressed astonishment at my age.  “Sixty’s not old” my friend Connie Goldman said to me when we first met ten years ago, and I was desperately in need of mentoring by one older and wiser than me.  But even Connie, upon hearing I’m turning 70, was moved to comment “Well, you’re certainly no spring chicken anymore.” Connie is 86 now, and she tells it as she sees it. Spring is over.

I guess Connie’s right.  Seventy is as fair a marker as any to divide the seasons of life.  But the truth is, aging cedes territory on a daily basis.  Every day we are somewhat slower, somewhat less connected.  The only thing that comprises “more” for us at 70 is the effort it now takes to try to maintain what came to us so effortlessly just moments ago. The slippage is often so gradual, we become used to accepting that we have been changed before we notice what happened.  But surrendering does not diminish the fact that there is pain involved.

The loss of control associated with aging is the last thing I want to acknowledge.  Me, who views aging as a new life stage.  Who experiences growing older as a spiritual experience.  This wise, old woman is how I prefer to think of myself. But in my unconscious denial of the shadow side of growing older, I had become brittle, reactive, controlling.  And what’s more, I didn’t realize I was doing any of this—and certainly not that it might have anything to do with turning 70.

Connie listened patiently.  Took a deep breath.  And then, as she does so adeptly, laid it on me.

“You’re attempting to pour concrete on your life—to freeze who you once were so as not to let it erode any further; to protect yourself and those for whom you care from the uncertainties of the future.  But no pushing through, battling or overcoming will have ever proven, in the end, to be enough.  Instead, why not try opening up empty space into which you can be free to flow? Then let yourself be open to whatever unfolds, giving yourself permission to accept the whole of life as it arises, sometimes sad, sometimes joyful, sometimes flat out astonishing!”

Connie said more, but I had begun quietly weeping as my revivified heart cracked open, shattering the concrete into little pieces. In fact, soon I could only catch an occasional word or two between the sobs. Something about hope. Something about acceptance.  And there I was, on the eve of my 70th birthday, reduced to a wordless pile of rubble melted into a puddle of love.  And here I remain, once again transiting a milestone birthday, floating along on tears of gratitude.

This is a gift of turning 70: this ability to witness and then detach from the urge to shore up, protect and control, to descend—or is it elevate?—into true acceptance. In this place of simply being, I grow deep and I grow wild.

So happy 70th birthday, dear one.  As it turns out, my friend can come spend the day with me, after all. I no longer feel the need to commemorate the next issue of the Fierce with Age Digest to my own books.  I’m sure Dan and the kids will get me sweet gifts, but it matters less, now that I’ve remembered that I am beloved no matter how annoying I’ve been of late.

And  here’s the real key to what I’ve learned about turning 70.  If one is fortunate to endure long enough, that which we fear can change into something one no longer hopes to escape. Rather, one becomes willing to embrace the whole of it with a deep, quiet understanding of the bittersweet nature of life. Letting go of what once was or might or might never be is no longer a punishment, but a place so full of love and gratitude, so true and so deep, it can’t be spoken.

It’s great to celebrate a milestone birthday.  I’m more sure now than I was before that I’ll have a good time February 6.  I’ll love spending my special day with my family and friends. But the real gift of turning 70 is not an experience to be shared with others, but rather, a private affair so precious one prefers to keep it to one’s self.
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The February edition of Fierce with Age: The Digest of Boomer Wisdom, Inspiration and Spirituality, out next week, will feature the best content about spirituality and aging by mystics, scholars and wise elders drawn from our seven years of publication.  The March edition will be a commemorative edition featuring the life work of author Connie Goldman, to honor the publication of her two new books at the age of 86.

To subscribe to Fierce with Age: The Digest of Boomer Wisdom, Inspiration and Spirituality, click HERE

Please Note: I will be the guest speaker at the online Conscious LIving, Aging & Dying conversation hosted by The Conscious Elders Network Thursday, Feb. 8 at 11 a.m. Central.  My topic will be whether or not serenity is overrated, and why I preferred to become fierce with age.

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TO COMMENT: You are encouraged to share your thoughts with me and our community about this entry and your own journey to becoming older, wiser, fiercer in the comment section at the bottom of this and each blog as it is posted at CarolOrsborn.com. 

Or email me directly at Corsborn@aol.com
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About Carol Orsborn

 Carol Orsborn, Ph.D., is Founder of Fierce with Age, the free monthly Digest of Boomer Wisdom, Inspiration and Spirituality. Carol, who earned her doctorate in religion from Vanderbilt University, is the best-selling author of 30 books, including The Spirituality of Age: A Seeker’s Guide to Growing Older (co-author Dr. Robert L. Weber), winner of gold in the category of Consciously Aging, Nautilus Book Awards 2015. Carol’s blog Older, Wiser, Fiercer is available at CarolOrsborn.com

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Feel free to share this providing proper credit to Carol Orsborn
and a link to CarolOrsborn.com.

About Carol Orsborn

Carol Orsborn, Ph.D. has written over 30 books including her critically-acclaimed Older, Wiser, Fiercer: The Wisdom Collection and The Spirituality of Age: A Seeker’s Guide to Growing Older with Dr. Robert L. Weber, which was awarded Gold in the Nautilus Book Awards in the category of Aging Consciously. She is founder and curator of Fierce with Age: The Archives of Boomer Wisdom, Inspiration and Spirituality housed at CarolOrsborn.com. She is host of the 2 leading book clubs in the field of conscious aging: Sage-ing International's live, virtual The Sage-ing Book Club and the in-person Conscious Aging Book Club, sponsored by Parnassus Books, Nashville. She received her doctorate in the History and Critical Theory of Religion from Vanderbilt University with specialization in the areas of adult spiritual development and ritual studies.