I confess to my shortcomings. In fact, in the still hours before dawn, confession is what comes easiest to me. But when I tell the whole truth about myself, I must admit to the good things, too. This does not take place in a flash of recognition, but by grindingly slow evolution.
It has taken many years to make some improvement, doing whatever I can to leave our children and future generations a legacy of love and righteousness. But in order to do this, I have had to surrender the notion that I am God’s appointed helper, imbued with special powers.
It was well-meaning: my desire to save those for whom I care from pain, to fix wrongs that were not my doing and to intervene in choices that were not my business.
At last, I’ve reached a point where I can truly celebrate that my legacy is not only the love that inspired my hopes for them, but the honesty, humility and acceptance I am practicing one apology, one act of forgiveness, one expression of compassion at a time.
I now know that the culmination of this long journey is not achievement—but appreciation. Sometimes, this is bittersweet: an appreciation of the limits of the human condition. There will always be challenges encountered and attempts made to overcome—sometimes succeeding, sometimes not.
Sometimes, I grieve that life has to be this hard. Other times, I am simply and quietly in awe of what could be something small—and sometimes of it all. Where I was once hard-charging, certain of the need for extraordinary effort, I can now be tender and receptive. I can feel sad without feeling weak; I can feel anger and know it to be justified; I can forgive myself and others and be grateful for this grand journey we are on together.
Recognizing this–and even a small advance will do—I am clear that my life makes sense: that I have come to fulfill some higher purpose. When I touch such moments, all the rest—the missteps, transgressions, failings—are no longer front and center. Rather, they take their place beside my gifts and I embrace the whole of life, delighted with my part in it.
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