When I was younger, I did not think it possible to embrace a deficit that could not be corrected, a problem that could not be solved, a loss that could not be overcome. God knows, I attempted everything. For long stretches, I kept my eyes so focused on the goal, I inadvertently blinded myself to much of the incremental good that lined the way. When I fell short anyway, I thought it was my fault or found some way to place the blame on others.
But this angst can be temporary, if only one becomes willing to accept that there is nothing one can do that will forestall nature’s entropy indefinitely. One would think this would doom one to live the remainder of one’s life in distress. But in my experience, the angst came earlier—in that transitional stage where effort, guilt and remorse accompanied every trip to the mirror. Eventually, exhausting every possible attempt to achieve perfection, I gave up. And yet I endured.
It takes a long time to burn through the layers of self-protection. But persist long enough and the dross will eventually reveal an ember glowing through the charred remains of denial. One can wait a very long time for this glimmer of the holy—something that persists in us that has nothing to do with age, death or anything that could possibly ever be lost.
What a relief when we come to realize that age viewed through the lens of character means that we no longer have to submit ourselves to judgment or work for compliments. What does it matter anymore whether one was once the most or least popular? The one who won the races or, despite one’s personal best, came in last?
After a lifetime of effort, how glorious to no longer feel compelled to compete with others. Who would have ever believed that one could not only get used to it, but relish it?
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