For Dan on His Birthday
My husband Dan and I have been together since we were twenty-one. That’s a lot of years and a lot of growing through life side by side. We have stood together through all manner of life stage, from building careers, raising children and welcoming grandchildren, to growing older side by side and watching each other go grey. There has been joy and there has been pain, but the gift of a long, happy marriage is this: We have never had to face any of it alone.
One of my earliest memories of Dan’s and my relationship—and the moment I knew that I would marry this man—was after the first time I said something to him of which I wasn’t proud. I immediately felt remorse, and braced myself for the consequences. But it was a non-event. As I began running my defense—a mish mash of weak rationalizations and pitiful apologies—Dan stopped me short. “What are you talking about?” he asked without guile. “I don’t remember a thing.” And with a smile and an embrace, it was over. Slate wiped clean. That day, and every day since, has been a new day, the only thing carried over from the past: ever-growing love and trust.
If a marriage is to send its roots deep enough to withstand the challenges of a long life together, we must literally grow together through time. But growth can be a messy, complicated affair. Of course, we grow closer through the good times, when we reap the results of good decisions and share both hoped for and unexpected good fortune. We find it easy to be generous, kind, loving when the sun is shining and a warm breeze carries us along side by side to fertile ground. And we also grow in the midst of challenges, frustration and disappointment, capable of turning even the muck into rich, life-giving mulch–if we let it.
But mostly, a good, long marriage can just be a whole lot of fun. Like on a whim, when we entered our Gizmo-inspired rescue Molly into the Most Unusual Dog Contest at the Clay County Fair—and won! Like dancing my heart out as the world’s oldest groupie as you nail the high notes on your Jersey Boy songs—your talent credited to “an elaborate systems of belts and trusses.” But it’s our everyday routines together that infuse my life with my greatest joy. Our morning hug. Peet’s Coffee shipped in from the coast. Tickling the dogs. Editing each other’s writing: “Dan—can you think of a better word for this?” Side by side on the deck watching the river, the cranes, the General Jackson, the full moon. Oh no—the ants are back. Can you scratch this spot I can’t quite reach? The kids posted some new photos! Wouldn’t the grandchildren love these pajamas?
My tendency is to think of life as a serious affair. But you’ve taught me how to play, laugh and sing, well maybe not sing, and take me for sushi even when you’d rather be eating pizza. And what a great perk to be married to a lifetime Million Miler on American! So to you, my beloved husband well into four decades together, the very happiest of birthdays. You are not only the love of my life but you are the love of life. And for the honor and good fortune of getting to share so much of my turn on earth together with you, thank you.
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