Hello Fierce Ones,
Fall is seriously underway—the cycle of seasons providing a natural opportunity for introspection. For those of us who value turning inward, we find inspiration in what Socrates once said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” But at our age and stage in life, it is also important to keep in mind what one later philosopher wisely added on: “The over-examined life is not a life at all.”
At the bottom of my blog is information about the October and November selections of the Conscious Aging Book Club. Please visit my conversation prompts in the comment section below and join in with your own thoughts and responses.
–Carol Orsborn, Older, Wiser, Fiercer
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MY NEXT BREATH
When I was in my late thirties, the New York Times published a full-page article about me and the organization I’d founded: Superwomen’s Anonymous. The phone rang off the hook, and before long, I found myself standing on Fifth Avenue, having just finalized the deal for my first book, breathing in the heady sense that I had secured my destiny. To make a long story short, just before my book came out, another book on pretty much the same subject was released. The books canceled each other out, and as any author will tell you, there’s nothing more deflating to illusions of immortality than seeing your life’s work in the remainder bin for ninety-nine cents.
The belief in one’s immortality is just one of the many illusions that life dispels, and every life stage has its own greatest hits. When we are young, we are both protected and at risk from the illusion that we are invincible. We find courage and ambition in the belief that if only we are smart enough, clever enough, good enough, we will get everything to turn out as ordered. Approaching midlife, with the dawning suspicion that we may have been overly confident, we hang on to the last flickering illusion leftover from childhood: that the really bad things that happen to other people will never happen to us.
But the parade of illusions is not over yet. Live long enough and eventually, inevitably, the whole, precious structure goes down in flames. If we take this opportunity to break open rather than shore up, eventually we come to realize that we have been mistaken about so many things. Arrogance shattered, we review our lives and make amends for all the blame we heaped on others, all the excuses we made for ourselves. Then out of nowhere, rising like a phoenix from the ashes, we are swept with unexpected tenderness, for ourselves and for others—the whole human drama in which you have all given life more than you knew you had in you, but it was still not enough. Only then, when your ego has been shattered and who you once thought you were has turned to dust, can you finally see and accept the love—flawed as it may have been–that had been there all along. We recognize the embers of goodness and meaning that have persisted despite everything, glowing through the ashes of our failed expectations. We recall all of it, leave nothing out, and at the very moment we embrace the imperfection of it all, we are redeemed.
Of course, as the narratives about life and death tend to go, it would be most elegant if all this happened to coincide with our last breath. Isn’t this the ultimate freedom—the simultaneous confession and deliverance—that Tolstoy promises in The Death of Ivan Ilyich? And that my character Angelica Goodman Banks, inspired by Ivan, experiences in Angelica’s Last Breath? It’s easier that way, dissolving into joy and the redemption of meaning along with your final exhale without having to give yourself time and opportunity to screw up again. But why bother writing either of these books if there were no hope of awakening from illusion earlier over the course of our lives, with time to spare?
It’s not easy. It’s not elegant. But it is possible. And it is possible at this very moment: whether at the peak or end of your career; and also at this one– moaning in pain; at this–your spouse is unfaithful; at this–you have made a new friend. Moment by moment: you have over or underestimated your strength; you over or underestimated your bad habits; there’s something else to try; there is no cure. Page 17, page 48, page 98, page 201 in Ivan, Angelica’s and your own book of life. The imperfections still sting; the lack of control still vexes; the successes still inflate; the guilt and grief remain potent. Even so, you can wake up—long before your last breath. But to stay awake, you would have to forgive yourself, forgive it all, accept it all, love it all over and over again in real time.
I have been graced with a great gift, having stumbled across Tolstoy’s awakened heart, crying out in pain and joy in the pages of his novella; and I have simultaneously broken and healed my own heart in the retelling of his story through my own lens. I write this, as vulnerable, grateful and fresh as I have ever been, inhabiting my life and my world awake just enough to know that something is definitively over for me that I will miss terribly but do not want back.
Try to live with the part of your soul which understands eternity, which is not afraid of death. And that part of your soul is love. –Leo Tolstoy
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ANNOUNCING CONSCIOUS AGING BOOK CLUB SELECTIONS
Welcome to the Conscious Aging Book Club. I am pleased to announce a dual selection for November: Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilyich and the novel I wrote inspired by his work Angelica’s Last Breath.
The discussion board opens today in the comment section below the blog and culminates November 1 both online and in-person at 10:30 a.m., Parnassus Books, Nashville. This will give you plenty of time to read one or both of the books if you are interested.
Meanwhile, a reminder that our current selection is John C. Robinson’s book The Three Secrets of Aging: A Radical Guide,. The discussion is currently underway HERE and culminates next Thursday, October 4 both online and in-person at 10:30 a.m., Parnassus Books, Nashville.
To learn more about the Conscious Aging Book Club, click HERE.
–Carol Orsborn, Older, Wiser, Fiercer
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To Buy The Death of Ivan Ilyich, click HERE
To Buy Angelica’s Last Breath in Kindle or Paperback Version, click HERE
To Read Carol Orsborn’s “My Walk with Tolstoy” About Both Books, click HERE
To Access the Reader’s Guide to Angelica’s Last Breath, click HERE
For a free subscription to Older, Wiser, Fiercer, click HERE
To subscribe to our sister site Fierce with Age: The Free Digest of Boomer Wisdom, Inspiration and Spirituality, click HERE
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