The irony of the freedom of old age is that we squander so much of it caring about others.  It is as if this great love that has us in our grip could save anyone from anything.  But alas, no. We who have endured the most decades have had the opportunity to witness patterns of […]

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All my many years, it was only during the course of my pregnancies that I had an experience of not being the center of my life. So many years invested—before and after—working to establish my value, to make a name for myself. But over the course of those 9 months, I shared my lungs, my […]

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While we may at least theoretically have some say over whom and how many we love, we have absolutely no control over who loves us.   You may well wish someone in particular would make you the object of their affection—show yourself to be worthy, deserving, attractive enough to merit favored status, and of course you […]

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When I was young, I perceived the biggest threats to meaning as coming from outside myself. I was concerned with survival and needed God’s support to help me endure the otherwise unbearable. But with age new threats arise and God is no longer the One who saves me from the struggle. In fact, I now […]

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Lucky has finally submitted to the seasonal indignity of donning her red down dog coat.   We’d thought that when the temperatures plummeted the squirrels would disappear and she would lose interest in running outside.  But while it is true there isn’t the frantic activity that accompanied late fall, the bared branches have revealed the secret […]

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When I speak to others about things that really matter, certain eyes shine brighter than others. These are the ones who have endured more than their fair share of difficulties.  They are recovering alcoholics, divorcees or parents who have buried a child.  They have suffered deprivation and illness. They have been forced to admit that […]

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Asking for mercy is a brave act, for one must first admit that one has done wrong and is, devoid of intervention, helpless to do anything more about it. And while if being granted mercy does ameliorate the pain of the shortcoming, it doesn’t erase everything.  We live into the future, neither cleansed nor forgetful, […]

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Now that the external demands on me have receded and my inner universe has become my life work, I am plummeting through layers of protection, like it or not.  Some days, I do not feel this as progress, although surely it is, but as falling apart. Fatigue can be close to the surface on these […]

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Perhaps because my dear friend is leaving to live near her daughter in Paris, all of my senses are honed to a point of pain.  I spot one of her favorite umbrellas poking out of a box waiting to be taped shut. I will never see it again. The life in me rises up in protest, […]

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I am many things today that I wasn’t even a couple of months let alone years ago. I am wiser, more self-nurturing.  I understand more about what it means to love and be loved, and how to tender compassion without strings attached. And yet, on any given day, I may also be devastated at some […]

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